March 2008 Archives

"and on the third day he brought his uncle." --Robert Hass

As a precaution, regularly take the following in small doses. On occasions when an agent of illness has entered the body, take the following in large doses:

* Whiskey or whisky

* Excercise

Rest on the fact that you are likely stronger than a microorganism. If it calls your bluff, be prepared to take your body to the brim of collapse. Surely, the germ would die before you do.

Here, a remedy for a life plagued with illness, prepared in three parts:

1. Avoid living in a perfectly sanitized environment. Eat often with your hands, and do it gracefully. Take hand baths as often as a restroom sink is in proximity, but only for its splish-splash pleasure.

2. Unless it is an emergency, never ever go near a doctor. Develop an involuntary upchuck for pills. Avoid the scheduled medication routine. Avoid needles in the eye, mouth, chest, abdomen, neck, spine, and scrotum.

3. With a straight face, deny being ill. Selective denial most often applied in religion can have more practical uses. To be effective you must learn to accept the multiplicity of truths, practice your best act, and master the art of belief.